What Tired Feels Like

There are times in my life where I thought I was tired.
There were my younger days, where I would work, get changed, go out, party and go straight to work the next day - after a few days of repeasting this cycle, catching a few short sleeps here and there it was time to colapse in a heap and sleep an entire day away. That was not tired.
There were the days I worked 16 hour days 6 days a week, maintained a reasonable body shape by attending the gym 5 days a week and went out three nights a week. That was not tired.

Nowadays - now, I am tired...

Some parents come home from hospital with their little bundle of pink, sweet smelling, soft skinned, snuggly sleepy, milk drunk goodness and the little darlings sleep from 7pm till 7am from the moment they arrive home. I hate those Mothers (not really but I'm too tired to diferrentiate between hatred and jelousy).

Others have those same darling soft, snuggly, wriggly, sweet smelling, milk drunk bundles with just one little difference. They do not sleep. People tell you that waking for night feeds is difficult. It's not really. You put bubs down, you get a few hours sleep, you get up to said crying bundle, feed them, return them to their bed and you head back into slumberland.

Having a baby that 'feeds' every two hours round the clock for the first three months of its life - that is hard. Completely worthwhile but hard.

Having an older child who sleep walks or sleep talks as well as a baby who is not a great sleeper is hard.

When the baby is nearly one and is still waking at least twice (bare minimum) between the hours of 9pm and 6am and the older child also wakes at least once, that is HARD!!!

Now add in a dog who is 15 and has become scared of the dark because she has gone deaf so spends most of the night fussing, another dog who is scared of the rain so whenever it starts raining she starts howling.

NOW THAT IS HARD

Now are you keeping up with  me? Here's where we are at:

An infant who wakes regularly through the night (lots)
A pre schooler who sleep talks and wakes during the night
A dog who is scared of the dark (stop laughing)
and A dog who is scared of the rain (seriously, stop laughing now)

It has been over 12 months since I have had a good nights sleep. In fact sleep has somewhat evaded me for the past 12 months, instead I drift in and out of consciousness wondering who will be next to need me.

So let me tell you what tired feels like.
My head feels so heavy it might just fall right off my shoulders
It feels like there is sand in my eyes and if I blink I am scared my eyelids may not re-open
My hands shake a little bit, I am not sure whether it is in anticipation of bed time or from the caffeine I need to consume just to stay upright
When I am talking, the wrong sounds just spill right out of my mouth
I feel a little nauseus but I also want to eat everything in sight at the same time. Preferably food laden with sugar and fat and completely nutrtionally empty calories, I think this is also a way of maintaining a state of wakefulness but is certainly not helping my weight loss because I am so lethargic that the mere thought of excersize fills me with dread.
The worst part is that as soon as my children go to sleep I know I should head directly to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 but it does not happen.
Why not?
Because by the time I have cleaned and cooked, bathed children and read the bedtime stories I am over tired. So overtired I am in fact wired. Delerious with sleep deprivation, unable to complete any tasks requiring me to use my brain and yet unable to sleep as I am continually thinking of all the tasks I need to complete that do require me using my brain.
Wow, talk about a Merry Go Round on overdrive!
So, you, you who has been partying all night or working a little too hard. Don't talk to me about tired until you too have gone over a year without sleeping for any longer that 4 hours at a time (and that has only happened twice!) It is not that I am a nastty person who is unwilling to acknowledge that you too may have issues, it's just that I am too darned tired to really give a crap.
So instead of complaining - go and get me a coffee.
Thank you